Surrendered

I was having a bit of a tough morning today, as I am in yet another "allergic reaction" to who knows what food and this translated into is a face full of itching, red, welts that burn.  I should be used to this by now, since it has gone on for over five years, and it no longer scares the cat.  It started at a time in my life when I was finally facing my fears of not being able to make it on my own, of simply being alone and having to rely only on myself for everything.  I was finally able to get going on doing authentic work on myself in a deeper way than ever before in my life, with a few detours along the way.  It started at a time when I left a going no where 6 year relationship and rented a home where I finally felt like I could just be me.  Needing no one else's opinion, therefore not needing to conform to things that were adverse to my nature in any way any longer, one would think that it should have been the best time of my life.  Ohhhhhhhh, but I had miles to go before I slept.  Old patterns of fear,  self hatred, self doubt and poor self esteem crept up and infested my mind and this manifested in two more attempts at having a relationship with let's just say not so nice guys.  Not shocking to me, since I knew they existed, for I had to escape a family of them (meaning: not so nice men), and then divorce one, but I was just so CERTAIN that I had changed the pattern in myself that attracted this ignorance, which obviously was not the case.  Finally, with my lessons learned, I made a personal commitment to not enter another relationship until I knew my work was done so that I would attract a man who respected women, who was creative and thoughtful and kind.  Who loved animals.  I could go on here, but I am sure you get the idea.  Men were not the problem, for the root cause here were my wrong beliefs (believing the lies of the enemy) that attracted the ignorance that I had so often experienced. 

Sadly it seems I am a slow learner, who required great pain to get the meaning of the lesson.

I promise you, if you keep reading you will see a point here and it will correspond with the title of this post.

Fast forward five years or so, to the present day.  I just sold most of what I had worked hard to obtain to move to a state where I know no one.  I have voluntarily remained single.  I have devoted myself to cleansing out my soul and deepening my connection to God every single day.  It is not an easy journey to be sure, but it is one that provides my life with real meaning.  As I had mentioned in a previous post, for far too long I placed my faith in "man" and was horribly disappointed.  When I place my faith in God, that is where it belongs and then wisdom comes in when I need it.

The wisdom that God sent me regarding the above matters required my forgiveness before I would see anything change.  Yeah, yeah God, ok I forgive.  Obviously, it was not complete.  I was still dealing with ignorance that had some semblance of previous life experiences.  I was and am having these huge reactions which I allowed to make me feel like I am a spiritual fraud or something. I started to feel like God was mad at me, or there was some huge thing I was missing entirely.

So, again, this morning did not have what would appear to be a great start.  Face looking like a tragedy, my spirit sad and crushed from yet another reaction and no sign of when this will end, I decided to put on some music while I worked out my frustration in my journal.

There was this peaceful presence that came in and it was then that I heard it very, very clearly:

I'm Waiting For You, Ruthie.

This was stated with such LOVE, that I knew immediately that this was from God.  I knew what he meant.  He had been waiting for me to fully, and completely hand over ALL of my unforgiveness.  All of it.  I was simply not allowed to make any more excuses on why I felt like I had to keep any of it.  What's more, I cannot describe how very much I finally felt like I did not MIND one bit to hand it all over, where in the past I had resistance especially with the events that I judged as unjust.  I felt the presence of Jesus come in and I handed it all over to him and said I am so very thankful for your patience with me, for waiting for me to be finally ready to do this.  

Tear streaming down my face in pure, utter gratitude I said:  "It's all yours.  I no longer want it.  Take what I am not conscious of too as I am not going to need it." 

The utter peace I feel is amazing.  There is pure lightness of my Spirit, the Joy my soul has is ineffable.  God provided me with a house call today because he knew my spirit was sick.  

Friends, today my face may be red, but my soul was gently and lovingly washed white today.  Today, I forgave it all and handed it over.  It truly is the only way to undo the chains of the past and be free.  

I wish the same for all of you.  I love you greatly.

Ruth