Healing your Life with Truth

Truth is the most effective technique when one is trying to heal a lifetime of complex trauma, or anything for that matter.  One of the reasons I feel that I have suffered so much is because I kept things quiet, inside and to myself, hence by the time I made this blog I needed to greatly undo the damage from all the silence.  Dear readers, you are about to witness how big my brave is, for in my work of undoing more trauma and ties that bind, I felt strongly that I needed to express in a letter some deep truths to the person who gestated me, for it was in this area that I still felt great emotional pain, loss and anguish.  I should also express how very much my experiences with my mother were repeated with my oldest son, as you will read in a moment in the letter I drafted and sent to my mother.  Minds get taken hostage with LIES every single second on this planet.  This experience has taught me that no matter how much I love someone it will never be a guarantee that they will start to have ears that hear and eyes that see.  I have seen and endured things that Stephen King could not even begin to imagine, and more importantly, I am no longer going to stay silent about any of it.

If you are triggered by events of sexual abuse then you may want to stop here, for this was much of my life even into adulthood, and I describe some experiences in my letter.  One day, when you are ready, you will no longer be triggered by these things, but healed by them, compassionate for your suffering and ability to transcend, while radiating love for all those who still have the journey ahead of them.   My letter follows: 

Dear Linda,

I am writing this for several reasons.  First, I am sending you pictures that I had that I no longer want in my possession.  Second, as a course in fully healing and reaching my mission on this planet as God intended for me, I am going to unleash a word filled emotional tsunami on you that is my truth.  It is no longer relevant to me, thank God, if you believe it or not, for it is my truth and I know it to be so.  But maybe this shall in some way wipe the sleep from your eyes and wake you up a little more to what going on in this world that doesn’t involve unicorns and Christmas trees and your completely backwards perception of what you believe to be truth.  You lie, or you have lied and therefore you get lied to and manipulated.  The biggest tyranny that goes on here is the one where slaves have no idea that they are even slaves.  You have been far too comfortable in your slavery.

 

You may not be able to handle what I am about to lay on you.  Make certain in no way do I ever want to hear from you.  You will mistakenly associate this with what you call “unforgiveness”, but that is not so.  Some day, maybe in some other lifetime, you will come to understand how very much I love you. 

Where shall I even begin, as there is just so much that I need to get out?  I am going to do my best to go in my chronological age order, for that will make the most sense.

Let’s start with how many times, before the age of 7, that I would wake up with an asthma attack and you would be at work.  I am sure you remember how NOT HELPFUL that beast of a husband (my father) you had was, but I don’t think you ever carried enough authority with him to effect a change. 

It didn't seem to do any good.  I specifically remember so many mornings I would wake up and not be able to breathe and sit in front of my fan to try and wait for you to just get home.  I tried one time to wake him up and he gave me the middle finger and went back to sleep. You may say “Ruth-Ann why didn’t you say anything?”  My answer to that Linda is that I was only 5 years old and you were supposed to be the mother.  The mother who didn’t pay attention, who just assumed everything was as your mind told you it was which was the complete opposite of the truth.

 

Even with your knowing his history of utter neglect of my needs, such as when you said you had beat him with a broom because when you came home from work one morning and found I was blue, you still left me in his care over and over again, while you went off to slave away to support him and his ungrateful self……you have a life pattern with this behavior.

 

Remember the time when you and your brother drove me and my brother to WV to spend time with my father?  Well every single day I had to get up at around 5 to be dropped off at his new wife’s mom’s house to go clean her church. Not one day did he ever take off work to be with us.  We would get back to her place and eat lunch and she would try to teach me counted cross stitch.  One day, she found a ruined skein behind her kitchen door and went freaking NUTS over this for reasons that I cannot explain.  It was only a 20 cent skein of floss.  I know that I truly did not do it.  She then complained to that beast Bob and he beat the crap out of me.  I had welts on the back of my legs from how hard he beat me.  Then he made me call her and apologize for something I did not even do.  Then the next day he drove us back to NJ, to his evil lizard of a mother, who stated “your father wouldn’t beat you if he didn’t love you.”  Then I got to go home to you and HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPEN.  You did nothing.

I also remember when I broke my arm.  How long did you make me wait in pain until you took me to the emergency room?  Who then had to do an external correction WITHOUT any pain medicine?  Then when I finally did get home, you never came in to check on me that whole night, nor did you bring me anything for pain.  My God Linda, I had a BROKEN ARM. Can you even see yet, how very distracted you were all the time from taking genuine care of me?

As you must know, he hated you greatly and he hated me even more.  I felt it every day, from him, from most of his family and many in your own family.  You were too busy living in your fantasy land to pay attention.  To care enough to just inquire and listen.  To read the signs that something was very wrong.    Over and over you were given signs: he wanted to marry another woman while in the Air Force, you found underwear so you knew he was screwing the baby sitters.  The underage babysitters mind you, which was illegal.  Yet, you kept making all sorts of excuses for this ignorant behavior.  What do you think he did to me Linda?  Did you ever ask yourself that question?  Did you ever just once stop to think that if he is willing to violate child babysitters, would he not care in violating his own?  The answer is No.  I was nothing absolutely nothing to him.   Whatever made you think that I would be treated well by him, when he did all these things to you?

How is it that when you finally did divorce, and he kidnapped me for that whole year, that you NEVER came to get me?  How is it that you just replaced me with that woman’s kids instead of stopping your whole life until you got me back?  Why is it Linda, that you could do nothing worthwhile on your own and that you ALWAYS required your mate or family to lead you?  Why is it that you never once looked at how YOUR ignorance was contributing to the situation instead of blaming it always on something else?  The coward satan needs to be given legal permission to enter, and although you did this unconsciously, you still gave permission.  I could spend a great deal of time explaining to you where your sin is, as I have spent a great many years looking at my own and healing it.  The speck has been removed from my eye, it is pride and arrogance that keep us from seeing clearly.

Why is it that when I returned to you after that year, that you never once asked me how I was treated, how many times was I sick and am I OK, or tell me how much you missed me?  Did you ever realize that it was all I could do to count the days until I could get back to you?  That I was not ever paid any attention to by my father or anyone else in his sick family as they absolutely hated me so intensely that I could feel it.  I was left alone with my brother all the time.  I was not treated kindly in the 4-5 schools that I had to go to in that year either.   That I got beat so bad one night by a female cousin of his simply because I was laughing at the kitchen table.  Laughing, and that was reason enough to beat me.  That when I had to live at his uncle Gene’s house (where Maw used to live) that he would constantly threaten to kill you if you ever came there and this deathly scared me.  I was nine years of age and having to hear this nonsense.  How about while still living there I got very, very sick one time and my father was nowhere to be found as usual……I got a washcloth out of the bathroom.  Just a washcloth.  Gene flew into some kind of demonic rage and stated that if I ever took another f-ing washcloth from the bathroom ever again, that he would ram my “f-ing head through the f-ing wall).  I was so, so sick.  No one was even there to care for me.  (I also believe that man violated my brother.)

I must mention that I also have had visions of you violating my brother too.

I kept on enduring this trauma, holding onto hope that by some chance you would just love me so much that it would make everything that I had to endure during that year of having to be with him fade away.  This did not ever seem to occur to you, and although your partner mentioned how “you cried” all the time when we were gone, really Linda, all I saw was your subservience to her and her children, like you were under some kind of spell. You were nothing more than her money slave, and it took you 9 long years to figure that out even though I tried to tell you many times she was not a good soul. (as an aside, I also remember one time my very own brother stated to me how I was his “bank”).  You would not listen.  Your pride and arrogance blinded you from hearing truth.  She had thrown a pregnant cat at me and you went back to her yet again, dragging me into your drama every single time, and not once did you ever think about how your decisions might have affected me.

 

You may also find it interesting to know that the whole time I was taken by him your sister knew where we were, as he was in touch with her frequently back then.

When I was around the age of 5 I was on a sleep over at your sister’s house.  I was sleeping in the basement that night, on a cot, and something (I believe to be my angels) woke me up to warn me.  Next thing I knew, your nephew Allen, was raping me.  Linda Marie may remember, as in the morning I asked if could have some clean underwear.  I don’t remember her providing me with any, but mine were wet from him.  This is the beast that you needed to stay at my home for his funeral with your mother. Five years old Linda.  Little did I know that this was only the beginning, as I had many more years that I would have to endure the perverted sexual abuse to at the hands of my own family.

 

I remember being repeatedly sodomized at your mother in law’s house.  I would have to leave my body to endure this torture.  I am remembering more every day, but ask yourself what exactly do you think it was that scared the hell out of George J. that day he went in her home.  She and my father, his brother Ray, his sister Carol are all very evil worldly souls, reptilian in nature and very much lizards.  The reason why Ray seems to have prospered is that he has parasited off of his wife Rosemary who was a good soul, but like yourself is very oblivious to spiritual reality.  In her case she has been brainwashed by religion which I have found to be mostly Godless and devoid of truth on this planet. 

I always wished you would not have ever taken me there.  She (the grandmother) would always mind warp her son Timmy to be very perverted and inappropriate, to say very sexual things to me. All at the age of around 11 or 12. I am sure you remember the inappropriate behavior from his father towards you, right? In this case, the apple does not fall from the tree, Linda. 

  

When you forced me to go to my grandfather’s funeral, at the time I had not ever seen a dead person before and was left there without any adult on my side to ease me into this matter.  NONE LINDA!  I was so confused staring at his casket, and that lizard of a grandmother came up to me and said, “why don’t you go give him a kiss and see what death feels like.”  She said this in a very evil and condescending way. 

Joey molested me so often, nearly all the time I spent the night at the lizard’s house. 

To me, my childhood was not something that was enjoyed but rather something that had to be survived with a massive amount of complex trauma thrown in.  I just kept on taking this abuse, as you were always crawling up your mate’s ass to be of any useful service to me.  You had relinquished your integrity and your authority to do anything meaningful for me because of your ignorance. 

I am now starting to have memories return of all the abuse that I endured at the hands of Diane.  Many mornings I would wake up with horrendous bruising on my ears, my breasts and my hands would have the scent of a woman’s genitals on them, and I would have no explanation for this.  I would be so confused, feel drugged, and wonder as to how this happened morning after morning, and I would not have any memory of it.  Eventually memories return when one is no longer afraid of the truth.  There is no doubt in my mind that she had been violating and drugging me.

While you were busy working to pay for all her bills and such, she would do all she could to break my spirit, saying horrendous things to me, doing all she could to make me feel insecure, fearful as well as keeping you fed with lies that you took as truth, and thereby causing you to judge me incorrectly.  For instance, I thank God to this day that one day, your mother asked me “Ruthie, tell me something.  Did you ever take the ketchup bottle out of the fridge at Diane’s house and just pour it all over the kitchen table?”  I said, “No, I would not ever do something like that, why do you ask?”  She stated that Diane told her I did.  At least Gran had enough sense to ask me first before believing something as true.  I can only imagine what other multitudes of lies she fed you that you believed over the years.  I don’t remember one time when you called to check on me from work, to ask me how my day at school was, to take me, just me to a movie with you, or how was I doing in general.  NOT ONCE.  All the school years I had to endure, not only with the ignorance of being frequently made fun of because of my hair loss, but also because of your choosing homosexuality (of which I had not judged you for), which was just compounded by all the other violations/trauma that I have already described above.

 

I was so alone in this madness.  This very insane, highly traumatizing madness.  It is only with the Grace of God that I survived, with a sound mind and a very intact, kind, loving heart.

Let’s go back to when we lived at Diane’s house.  There was also the disgusting incident that I remember when she demanded that I take a shower with her daughter, of which I refused and got punished for it.  I was 13 years old and did not need to shower with anybody.  You were and still are extremely gullible and would do what ever she asked and told you to do, even if it were demeaning and humiliating to your own child.  You could have intervened and stated NO, my daughter deserves her privacy, but as usual you never did anything.  Ditto on the time when you were putting HER through nursing school, (and what did that ever do for you?)  You could not help your own daughter get into school, but you certainly could put her through school.  And pay all her bills.  And end up with absolutely nothing.  You never, not once thought about how all your decisions were traumatizing your own daughter.  You only thought of your own pain, what they had done only to you, never once looking at the bigger picture, the picture that include me. How many times did I have to hear that all "your problems" with your mates were because of "the children".

   

So, through all those disgusting years of being surrounded by child molesters and incestuous family, that was FILLED with jealousy, envy, hatred and LIARS, we have now arrived to the time when you finally left Diane and moved out.  You were so damaged from all of that.  I don’t think you remember how very, very sick I got, with abdominal pain nearly all the time because you were lost in your own pain yet again.  But I kept holding out hope that one day you would get it together and start paying attention to me for once in your life.  That we were finally on our own!!  But your pain, grief, anger and selfishness did not ever allow you to see anything but your own trouble.  I specifically remember one day when you said to me, “my psychiatrist said to me that I should have just given you to your father.”  That nearly broke my soul, Linda.  But I knew that you were hurting and I forgave you.  It was like it just killed you to be even remotely kind to me.  You could find so much kindness and patience for those who have fed off of your light, for those who did absolutely nothing for you but use you, but when it came to me, what I usually felt from you was that I was just a chore.  This feeling of mine is not up for debate.  I am and always have been a HIGHLY empathic soul and no longer need external confirmation of what I feel to be truth.  It is my truth.  You spent a lot of time trying to tell me that my feelings were not true, and I have spent the majority of my lifetime undoing that damage you inflicted from that ignorance.

As if your neglect of me wasn’t enough, yet again my brother comes back just at that same time and makes use of your vulnerable situation to move in and you just couldn’t bend your ass over backwards far enough to give him what ever he wanted.  All the years of you saying, I am jealous of him no longer faze me, for I know that the truth is that I have not ever been jealous of him.  He is an exact replica of the coward that is his father, only more so.  I remember one time asking him why a certain girlfriend of his was not in his life, and he simply said, “because I couldn’t hurt her.”  What kind of demon says that?  Why would one ever want to hurt someone else?  Yet he has always been ever so helpful when I was following a path of self-destruction, that resulted from the years of trauma and abuse that I had to survive and then marrying into a similar and more horrible situation.  Not one light of inspiring, genuine love in his black cold heart.
 

All of this damage that you had taught me through observation, led me down a horrible path that had resulted in my attacking myself.  By the time I was 17-18, I had no self worth.  NONE.  It is no surprise to me that I attracted someone like that ex husband of mine into my life.  His only mission was to ruin me.  He and all those like him operate on a strictly no love basis, yet are very clever in creating an illusion of caring and love.  To those who never had it, the attention feels so nice.  But it is just one method of deception to sink their hooks in so that they can eventually try to possess your soul.  He found out that its not always possible to do, especially when one loves God as much as I do.  They feed off of the light, the heart of humanity.  I have no problem calling him and those like him demonic.  That is what they are.  Psychiatrists would like to label them as narcissistic.  They feed off of pity, never give any genuine love for they are completely incapable of it.  This will be the downfall of him and all those like him.  There are many here.  They have greatly underestimated the light.

You have been extracted from your whole life.  What you have been giving is not love, but pity which just keeps the situation the same as it has always been here on planet Earth.  You feel “sorry” for everything and everyone, including yourself.  It’s called ENABLING, and it is exactly what you have done to all the partners, family and even your son.  You have enabled them to continue living in the same evil ways they have always lived, never having any kind of authority over them to effect any change for the better.  You relinquished your authority years ago.  I often looked at that young picture of you, when you were a smiling, happy light filled soul and it greatly saddens me that all the light has been sucked out of you. 

I wished that things had been different between us, that the hatred, the lies you were fed and believed, the jealousy, and your low self esteem had not caused you to shut yourself and your heart off from me as it has.  I am sorry that life was so mean to you as well, for I personally understand persecution to the 100^th degree on this planet from my own experience.  I know that you were fighting off the demons from your own mother’s ignorance, and trying to keep her secrets buried.  This has not served you well, Linda, for eventually you needed to resort to smoking and medication to shut yourself off from the anger I know you must have felt.  It is spiritual truth that what you don’t heal as a parent gets passed down to the children, often in a larger way.  All those secrets you were keeping only brought more pain to my life.  The fact that Ruth (your mother) got herself pregnant at a young age to escape an ugly situation, married a man who did not love her (he was not a good soul at all, I have had many, many visions about your father, all of which are ungodly), then had an affair while married.  Then she spent the rest of her life working like a dog, compensating for all of her transgressions.  Most of the people in her life that she felt were friends were not ever true friends.  Her own husband told her this fact, and she refused to believe it.  I find it hard to understand how in the world anyone could support someone who RAPED a woman and later beat up another woman?  Yet she did this for her son Denny.  Who never changed his life, but my God did he have the assistance he needed to get everything covered up.  I know she probably thought she was doing something good.  Good would have been holding that ignorance accountable for what he did in violating another soul on this planet.

You should also know that your father was homosexual.  He had several rendezvous in Ocean City.  Your own mother also confirmed this for me by some information she relayed to me, although she did not want to believe it.  Yet, I also remember how pride blinded that woman often, much like it has done to you.  I recall a time when we were all getting ready to have dinner in Florida and I was just so happy to be finding myself spiritually, and I wanted to share it.  She chirped up ignorantly something like, “Oh I already told her that I already forgot everything she thinks she knows”.   As if she indeed already had the world all figured out and I was the one late to the party.
 

The rude things that she would do/say and I would seek your intervention in the matter only for you to make excuses.  You have made excuses your whole life for the ignorant behavior that I have had to endure from many others and this has caused me great suffering.

So, Linda, maybe by now you have an idea of why I want absolutely nothing to do with you.  Past experience has taught me that all the love, faith and hope in the world cannot save someone from their self.  Why my last words to you were “you don’t listen.”  I remember flying down to be with you in Florida because you were in ICU and I wanted to genuinely surprise you!  When I walked through those doors and you ROLLED YOUR EYES, my heart fell to the floor.  It was further proof to me that we would never have the genuine relationship that I had so longed for.  You simply just could not come to love me and I needed to accept this fact.  I also remember the time when we lived in Indian Run Apartments and I found the correspondence between you and my schoolmate talking negatively about me.  Life with you was just filled with betrayal after betrayal and nothing was ever sacred with you when it came to me.  I have had enough ignorance in my life and regardless of what role someone is supposed to have played according to the ways of this world, this does not equate to a free ticket to abuse, neglect, minimize/negate my feelings and discount my life experiences simply because they stretch beyond what your ignorant, naïve self can or will believe.   

I also remember how when I was a young woman, I was so excited waiting for my first period to start.  I had been stocking up on pads with money I had earned from working for my maternal grandmom.  You walked in on my changing and saw that I had a pad on and laughed so hard!  That was another heartbreaking and humiliating moment for me, my own mother laughing at me, instead of understanding how excited I was to start to mature and sharing in that excitement with me.
 

You treated my oldest son the same way you treated me.  I remember all your rude comments about my son and how “his father has ruined him.”  You should know this Linda, that he is very much like yourself in that his mind has been infested with the LIE and he has lost his ability to discern truth.  It happens to so many down here on Earth.  I am not taking anything the boy does personally in my life for he, like yourself, is not in control of his own mind.
 

None of this information was written to intentionally hurt you although I do realize that may not be your perception.  However, I no longer care if you are able and strong enough to handle the truth Linda.  We all must face the truth eventually.  It is what sets us free.  Although you may not be able to comprehend this, I do wholeheartedly love you.  Enough to tell you my truth and care not whether you believe it.  Writing this all down and getting it out of me even though there were many, many other violations that I have left out simply due to time has allowed my soul to achieve an even deeper forgiveness for your ignorance, for I realize that you too were fighting demons passed on from your own mother.  Fighting demons is no easy feat, but I am living proof that it can be successfully done.  Cowards like demons can’t survive in the face of love and truth.  They now get out of my way or they will be run over.  If you are wondering if that is pride and arrogance, no.  It's the conviction of the authority that I was sent here with, the only true authority that exists, the authority that I have fought hard to regain in this lifetime through cleansing my own life of sin.  The only true authority comes from God.

I wish you well in the time that is left for planet earth Linda.  Things are about to massively change here very soon.  I love you more than I can express in words, although I know that you aren’t likely to believe it.  It has taken me many years to finally compose this letter to you for fear of not wanting to hurt you.  But in putting this off I was only hurting myself, which I can no longer do.
 

Do not ever contact me in any way.  (end of letter)

The relief I feel from just sending this is immense.  What you bring forth will truly save you if you let it.  If you do not bring forth what is within you, then you are inviting in trouble.

Find a safe, healthy way to get out all your secrets, empty yourselves of all the shame and humiliation and cleanse yourselves from the lies you were forced to participate in.  It is then you will come to know peace.

I love you people.  Live in truth at all times and be well.